The CDC’s latest guidelines suggest that it is safe for the fully vaccinated to suspend mask wearing in most circumstances. Of course, one cannot be sure who has been vaccinated and who has not, not without some sort of vaccination passport issued under strenuous oversight. Lacking such verification or any federal edict, municipalities are being left to decide for themselves how they will use these guidelines to make policies. Despite the city-by-city hodge-podge, there are some agreed upon regulations. Here is what each American needs to know regarding when to go without a mask in a public space:
If you have been fully vaccinated, you may go without a mask if your last name cannot be used as an adjective.
Groups may gather without masks so long as the amount of people in the group does not add up to a prime number.
If you read something on Facebook about vaccines, you are now a medical doctor and know whether or not to wear a mask.
If you’re aware of only your own healthy body, and don’t know or care about the immunocompromised, you can go without a mask the same way you’ve gone without awareness that people unlike you exist.
If you adopted a shelter dog during the pandemic, you can pat yourself on the back. Oh, and wear a mask in stores, maybe?
Jogging or biking without a mask is permitted, so long as you know that you’re going to die one day like everyone else.
Writers who’ve penned their own King Lear during the pandemic are likely immune to Covid and self-criticism, thus they may go maskless.
Doctors, nurses, and all frontline workers should continue to wear masks when appropriate and are allowed to each punch one anti-vaxxer in the face.
Anyone who injected bleach into their veins is dead. They may go without a mask.
It is recommended that Joe Rogan wear his mask inside his mouth.
Masks are required at indoor establishments, especially bars and restaurants. All food will be blended and liquified to facilitate consumption through a straw that can easily be slid under a mask.
If you’ve created a fake vaccination card, congratulations: you’re smarter than the rest of us. You may do as you please.
M95 mask wearers may continue to shame cloth mask wearers.
You’re allowed to go maskless even though… I mean, have you looked in a mirror lately?