If anyone asked me, between 1984 and 1986, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would’ve said, “Eddie Van Halen.” After 1986. . . probably still, but the 5150 album and ascent of Van Hager lessened my love for the band, if not its guitarist. Hammy Cigar was not as flamboyant or fun as Diamond Dave, and Roth’s solo record Eat ‘em and Smile, a few slices of cheese aside, served up plenty of Steve Vai/Billy Sheehan fretboard wizardry. (Not to mention the production is superior to any of the post 1984 VH records. Firing Ted Templeman was clearly a mistake.)
Eddie was my hero. No one played like him. Nothing sounded like his guitar. He was a game changer. I’d endure shitty Hager songs if it meant I’d get another guitar solo to obsess over. Until just after OU812 when I tuned out. By then, I was well into heavier music, thrash metal mostly and sloppy punk. And then I found REM and The Replacements and The Pixies and that was the end of my 80s big rock interest.
But the 14-year-old boy still lives within me. I’ve never been ashamed of my love of those first six VH records, even if confessing so raised the eyebrows of my indie rock pals who were too cool for swaggering rock and quicky guitar instrumentals. Oh well. . . their loss. But I never replaced my VH records with CDs, save for Fair Warning, always my favorite, and when I moved out of my mom’s house, I left the turntable and all those records behind. Who knows what became of them.
This week, because I watched one Instagram video of Van Halen in their prime, I’ve been bombarded with several more clips of the band. And watched most of them. Feels like time to revisit the great six pre-Sammy records with very fresh ears. Happily, they still satisfy, though some of the tunes stand out while a few elicit groans. Here are my thoughts, for whatever the fuck they’re worth.
Van Halen (self-titled first record)
My least favorite, always. Still. Some bangers, sure, but why bother with “Runnin’ with the Devil” or “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘bout Love” (so many apostrophes, guys) when the radio plays them consistently? And “You Really Got Me” (not even my favorite Kinks’ song, not by 10 miles) never got me as much as the killer “Eruption” that kicks it off. Really, there were only two tracks I got excited to revisit: “Little Dreamer” (underrated!) and “I’m the One,” an absolute banger. Some of Eddie’s best playing. Even the cheesy “shoobie doo wah” chorus still charms after all this time. I mean. . . these guys were killer and they knew it, and Dave understood his role: cut through Eddie and Alex’s big rock with some of that Song and Dance Man schtick he’d abuse on “Crazy from the Heat.” “Atomic Punk” sounded better than it did when I first heard it, evidence of my evolving taste.
Skipped tracks: “Jamie’s Crying.” So am I. So are we all. “Feel Your Love Tonight” just sucks. I mean, “I’m the One” is basically the best “Let’s fuck, already!” song on the record, so I don’t need the poppier version. And yeah, “Ice Cream Man” has a ripping, shredding solo from Eddie, but it veers too much toward cornball territory for me.
Overall: Solid introduction and a promise of better things to come.
Van Halen II
A big step up, but I don’t know if others would agree. Fewer tracks get classic rock radio play, and the cover of “You’re No Good” isn’t as scintillating as “You Really Got Me.” Plus, I’ve read enough interviews with Eddie to know he hated covers. (He’d be more upset over Dave singing “Dancing in the Streets” over his keyboard pattern years later.) But I like the weird stuff, always have, because I’m contrarian asshole at times but, damnit, radio play ruined a lot of good songs. So yeah, I like the deep cuts that populate this one better than the chestnuts on the debut.
Stand outs: “Somebody Get Me a Doctor,” “Bottom’s Up,” “D.O.A.” and “Spanish Fly,” which I always preferred to “Eruption.” “Out of Love Again” is fun if not essential and “Women in Love…” (complete with ellipses for some reason) is a fine pop song that seems better today.
Skipped tracks: “Dance the Night Away” which isn’t bad, but I’ve heard it enough and “Beautiful Girls” which I truly dislike. Too up, too goofy, Dave unfiltered (not always a good thing).
Overall: Overlooked late-70s gold.
Women and Children First
Van Halen enters the 80s! Their best decade, for certain, and this their first great record with only one song I never cottoned onto, but let’s start with the gems.
“And the Cradle Will Rock…” More ellipses! Also the first sign of Eddie the keyboardist, though you’d hardly know it what with all the effects. When I first heard this song, it cracked me up. It’s supposed to be funny, right? I think? Upon re-listen, I’m still laughing. Ditto “Everybody Wants Some!!” (double the exclamation points for double the swagger). But “Fools,” with its bluesy trills turning to sludgy guitar riffing, really (pun alert!) got me. There’s something funny about Eddie flying over the fretboard and then paying an absolute caveman riff. Love it.
More stand outs: “Romeo Delight” has the quintessential Van Halen lyric: “I’m taking whiskey to the party tonight and I’m looking for somebody to squeeze.” That’s the band’s early catalogue in a nutshell. “Tora! Tora!” and “Loss of Control” were always my favorites because they so closely resembled metal. They continue to kill, as does “Take Your Whiskey Home.” Great song, that one. The last tracks are disposable, but I’ll keep “Could This Be Magic?” (more punctuation!) because I’m a sucker for Eddie playing clean or acoustic.
Skipped track: just “In a Simple Rhyme.” Never liked it. Always felt like radio pandering. Pass.
Overall: great record, weirder, sloppier, feels like the band is already tiring of hits and willfully trying to challenge listeners, a tendency that would come to full fruition next.
Fair Warning
The best. Tops. The one I’ve listened to the most. Short. Like, really short. But better to say a lot in a small space than overstay your welcome, and this one packs a lot in nine tracks, two of them under two minutes each. My before-mentioned contrarian nature predisposes me to love this one most, as the critics were not exactly on board, and even the fans noted the dark turn. Sure, a lot of the songs are about women—this is Van Halen, after all—but not the usual frat house Kiss bullshit. Here we have fallen prom queens doing porn and one song that certainly feels like it’s a little bit about pimping. The one oddity among these is “So This is Love?” an upbeat banger cradled by some solid Alex/Mike rhythm that positively swings. “Mean Streets” has that Eddie slapping-his-guitar-like-a-funk-bass intro and great riffing. “Dirty Movies” is my least favorite, but damn. . . Eddie plays slide! And Michael Anthony’s bass is all over this record, finally asserting himself among the other three big personalities.
Stand outs: “Unchained” is a classic. “Push Comes to Shove” has what might be Eddie’s best guitar solo. “Sinner’s Swing!” is both possessive and exclamatory and fucking kills (though it should be “Sinners, Swing!” since Roth says at the jump “Alright you sinners, swing!”). “Sunday Afternoon in the Park” is straight out of a Dario Argento film and deeply unsettling. People hate it. I love it. “One Foot Out the Door” ends the record so quickly I’m amazed the label let them keep it on. Come to think of it, I’m surprised the last two tracks made the cut, but I’m so happy they did. It’s a record that gets better with age. You can sense Eddie’s frustration, Dave is reigned in (as much as that was ever possible), and Mike and Alex get to show off some chops.
Skipped tracks: None! All essential!
Overall: Their best.
Diver Down
I ignored this record for years. I bought it, liked parts of it, but it felt slapped together, a mish-mash of covers and middling material, a stepdown after Fair Warning and warm up for the coming MTV fame. But damn, there are some forgotten surprises on here.
Stand outs: “Cathedral” (which I also prefer to “Eruption”), “Intruder” (which is maybe my favorite VH instrumental), “The Full Bug” (a dirty, stupid, fun song), and “Big Bad Bill (Is Sweet William Now).” Regarding the last song, it’s their best cover. Unlike any other they’ve done, a touch of irony via swinging throwback featuring some great clarinet work by Jan Van Halen, father of Alex and Ed. And it’s just fun, goddamnit. Roth always said he got along with Jan the father and not the brothers Van Halen. Knowing that, I imagine Papa VH keeping the beefing youngsters in line while laying down some fantastic solos.
And then there’s “Secrets.” Oh wow, I slept on this fucking song. Have not heard it since high school, completely forgot it existed. I’m sure my 14-year-old ears rejected the clean guitars (save for the obligatory, possibly unnecessary solo) and lighter fare, but it’s a delight. Under-appreciated little ditty that gets no love. Too bad.
Skipped tracks: “Where Have all the Good Times Gone” is fine, but it, along with “Dancing in the Streets,” does little for me. Skipped “Little Guitars” mid-way through as well, through I’m on the fence with that song. I neither love nor hate it. “Happy Trails” is campy, and I’ve heard it enough. Besides, listening to the boys pretend they get along is not very convincing.
Overall: I used to bash this one a bit, but it’s a happy pleasure. I get that after the middle records, they wanted a breath of joy. I’m not going to shit on them for that.
1984
If the debut was Van Halen staking their rightful claim as the next important rock act and Fair Warning was a step onto some darker terrain, 1984 is the pivotal record that changed the band forever, it having the most hits with Roth, the memorable videos, and the stratosphere launching gravitas that they’d never find again. Roth split after this one, which anyone might have seen coming what with his endless MTV antics and (second pun alert!) unchained ego, and the band enlisted Sammy and landed on adult contemporary island. The end of an era while being the first record a lot of us kiddies spent our allowance money on. After seeing that “Panama” video, nothing was the same for me. I spent the next two years memorizing the previous records and waiting for the next release from my favorite band that would inevitably disappoint, however much I tried to like it. I saw them on the 5150 tour, of course (my first concert, thanks, Uncle John), but I could only imagine how much better the show would’ve been with Roth. Oh well. Stars burn brightest before they die, right?
Stand outs: “Panama,” “Girl Gone Bad,” “House of Pain,” “Drop Dead Legs,” and yeah, “Hot for Teacher,” which to this day smokes. Fucking guys firing on all cylinders.
It occurs to me that all songs save for “Jump” and “Top Jimmy” are about women (though “Top Jimmy” has that silly ending), and not many of them are, um, progressive, which says much about the 80s, rock music, and the culture in which I was raised. Here’s to the sensitive alternative singers and punks like Ian MacKaye who helped erase some misogyny from my mental space, but I can listen to these tracks and chuckle at some of what Roth is spewing without feeling the need to defend every eye-rollish locker room lyric.
Skipped tracks: “Jump” (VH’s “Stairway to Heaven”—I never need to hear it again) and “I’ll Wait.” I suppose I prefer guitar Eddie to synth Eddie. Sue me.
And that’s it. All I want to focus on. Skipping the Sammys, never even bothered with the Van Halen III nonsense or reunions. Six albums. . . plenty. More than most bands pull off, so there’s no need for me to lament what followed. Plenty of people like the later stuff, and good for them, seriously. And while we’re wrapping up, lay off Wolfgang! The kid is a great musician and deserves none of the shit the old “fans” throw at him.